Survival or Success?????

It is the start of 2011 and I need to write. I need a voice in my world. currently pregnant with my seventh boy and the world a bit more scary this year, I find myself overwhelmed more than I have ever been before. Not physically and not even emotionally. It is this overwhemling feeling like something must change. I have never been one for needing things like a bigger house or even a vacation for that matter. But I feel like I am failing myself and God by being so fearful to take risks. I am such a worrier even though the Bible tells me over and over that is the last thing I should be concerned with. There is already a plan for me and as long as I live right all will be ok. I do truly believe that but why still the fear that I will never be enough? I will never be kind enough, patient enough, nor content enough. I have this feeling that there is a place where we belong we are just not there yet. However I am the only one in this house who agrees. My children are doing fantastic for the most part. My 10 year old is becoming this young man who suprises me everyday. My sixteen year old is awake I feel like for the first time in a long time. But then I have these little boys who just seem lost right now. Is it my failure? Can I not be everything for everybody all the time? I just want to take them all away from this scary world and hold them until they grow up. If you read my earlier posts you know I will always questions if this is where we should be, but for now I am outvoted. So it is here we remain struggling in a town we cannot afford, working in a school system although great extremely difficult, and waking up everyday to survive. When does it no longer become survival but success? I thank God each and every day for all my blessing because they truly are more than I deserve. But today I will ask him to be able to be more. More for my children, my husband and more for me.

Has it really been a year

I look back and see the last time I posted was almost one year ago. Oh how so much changes in one year. It is funny because really nothing tangible has changed. I still live in the same house with six amazing boys. I still dream of distant farm lands where I crave to be but yet I am different. I experienced my first miscarriage. I know that sounds so sad and believe me it was extremely heartbreaking but it taught me so much about me, my family and most of all my husband. We go through life worrying so much about who the world sees us as but at the end of the day does it really matter. If we can hug our children and be thankful for all we have that should be enough. Yes I will always need a bigger house. This one bathroom, 900 square foot house is not really cutting it for me, but yesterday my three year old said he loved our "huge" house. So we stay here fixing it bit by bit. I added a pot rack and I felt like I won the lottery. Doesn't that sound crazy especially because around where I live adding a second home is more the norm. But now I take pride in the little treasures I am blessed to have. It is funny because over the years living here I have felt so alone. There are so many amazing woman around here but I still fail I am unable to connect. But then I log in and see someone else's life in their blog and I know I am never alone. I have my family and that is all I will ever really need!

Is this the place??

It is mid summer and I again find myself wondering is this where we are suppose to be? If you read any earlier posts you know I live in a beautiful place however it is very different then where I expected to be. However at the age of twenty two I wanted nothing to do with children and was working on a successful career. Wow did God have a different plan for me. So here we are more than ten years later and I find myself always asking the same questions. Is this what God intended? I get these fleeting moments like last night with all of us swimming in our lake that this is it,this is where God wants me to raise and cherish my boys. Then I have other days where I see the culture around here where we are to expect nothing of our children except to have a good time. I guess I exaggerate, it is not that bad but pretty close. I expect my children to do chores. I have six boys who have two hands and legs that all work. They can help. You would think I was removing a limb by just asking them to empty the dishwasher. You know what is the funny part I don't even care if I have to do it but I know they must learn to be self sufficient. With six boys I want them to enter their adult lives knowing how to take care of themselves. I want them to marry a woman because they found a wife they can cherish, not so they can have someone to cook and clean for them. Is that possible around here. My kids think because we don't have a cleaning lady we are just so "poor." I try to tell them most of the world does not employ a cleaning service and some of their best friends don't have them, and why does it even matter. Why do kids always see what they don't have? In truth my kids have never really wanted for nothing and maybe that is the problem. We'll that is about to change, with a new pay cut and work slow, things in this household will change and I ask myself is that really a bad thing?????We all went the best for our children but is what we are giving them really the best?

The party must go on

Ok so how many people are affected by the recession? We are having a huge birthday party for all six boys and you know what we cannot afford any bit of it. But as any parent we will sacrifice. This party is so important to my boys and it is a big representation of our family to a community I am not quite sure we fit in. I sit here thinking oh my it is time to get a job. My youngest is 8 months old and still nursing but I need to contribute. I love my husband more than life itself but really how any hours can he work and still be the daddy they want him to be. He is so frustrated with this party but you know what he has not said a word. I am so blessed to have a man who loves me with flaws and all. Ok enough of the babbling, who do we think we are somedays????God has a plan let'sj ust hope we prove him right! Just pray we get through Saturday.

Such a small world....

We live in what I call Suburbia U.S.A. Don't get me wrong it is a beautiful town with everything you could imagaine possible for a child. However it would never be where I would have seen myself raising my kids. They have everything at their fingertips. We have one of the best educational systems in the country, every organized sport, a community center with every class imaginable and every type of religious church you could imagaine. I have met some of the best hearted people in the world here, however again sometimes I just want to pack it all up. Our town is somewhat affluent, however we are not. The boys always say ,"I wish we were rich," with which I reply "we are rich, we are rich in love." The statementt always canders up a half grin with a shake of the head.

So today I found myself back in that place of dreaming of being on a farm with the boys climbing trees and playing with chickens. Just when I hit that point of certain sadness, I saw something I have not seen in a long time, four of my boys, the 2,4,6 and 8 year olds deciced they were going to build on their swingset and then paint it. This is no small feat for these four to work together. But I saw them hammer, and drill and then paint there little hearts out. At the end they called me out to see their work. It brought tears to my eyes. It was not the red paint missing in many places, but that for three or so hours, I was where I always dreamed of being. I was in that place where the boys work to accomplish something together. There was no Wii, no football and no material things, just 4 boys with a dream of a red swingset.

After this amazing moment I decided I wanted to tell the world just how happy I was today. But first I needed to check two of the three blogs that I follow and the real reason why I decided to try my hand at this blogging thing. My favorite blog is If you think our hands are full....you should see our hearts. In her blog she talks about some amazing women she has encountered, one being another blogger Christina. I believe she is the same woman who writes Hands full and loving it mostly my other favorite blog. Anyways long story short I am in awe of these two women and in this great big world they are in awe of each other. Just when life seems to be harder then usual, God has something planned to remind you of just how lucky we all are.....

Okay so I am really going to do this.............

We'll after months of thinking about it, I have decided to start writing about my life with a household of six boys. I have felt for so long I needed an outlet and I have always loved to write so away we go..... I have followed a few blogs for a while now and am amazes at just how wonderful so many mothers are. Mothers gives their days, nights and even bathroom time to their children and still feel inadeqate almost every minute of everyday. Why is that? I have come to realize in days of late that we feel every emotion our children do. However we feel the need to analyze every emotion and then somehow turn it into a major worry. With a large family this can consume you. It is summer and I have six boys ranging in ages from 14 to 7 months. My major challenge is keeping them all happyand safe without allowing them to assault each other. Don't get me wrong my days have much joy but just a 5 minute bathroom break would be nice.